Sitting in a department store Bribing little kids with peppermint Sweat on his bulbous nose Rubber boots and silly velvet clothes Hey, Santa Claus Steaming like a roast duck Spitting out of pieces of his bearded fluff Hey, Santa Claus Do what you're told and mind your dad and mommy And I'll put a little puppy 'neath your tree Santa Claus my friend Did you think this job was easy? You poor old sod You jolly S.O.B. In the first week of December They'll come to crush his knees When the kids are tugging upon his beard, He screams in agony Schnapps is thick on his dog breath His belly's big and round And he'll dress up like a rabbit in the spring Ho ho ho ho Fa la la la Fa la la la la la la la Fa la la la la la la Fa la la la Sitting in a WalMart Giving out canes of peppermint Spitting out his ho ho ho's Sticky fingers smearing rented clothes Hey, Santa Claus Dying in that hot suit Ho ho ho ho Santa Claus