I'm twenty-four, I don't own a tie I don't have a job, and I love to get high My hair line's receding, I'm getting a gut I love to jerk off, and I love to read smut I can't beat you up, I can't run a mile I'm not Calvin Klein, but I gots my own style I smoke a pack a day, on a good day it's two But with all my faults, I'm still cooler than you Cooler than you I am cooler than you I can't drive a stick, I don't really surf My parents disowned me, 'cause I'm a real jerk I hate to cook, and I don't wash my car I can't program the timer on my VCR I hate doing laundry, can't stand washing a plate I haven't seen a girl naked since 1988 I know this sounds wrong, but believe me it's true With all this against me, I'm still cooler than you Cooler than you I am cooler than you You must realise I don't mean what I say But lying to myself Helps me get through the day We are the same We are Abbot and Lou You are as I And I are as you As you I am (i am) I am cooler than you