I think the-the bullying that young people
Have to go through now in schools is really rough
I really sympathize, 'cause I was bullied when I was a kid
Uh, when I was in grade school
I was bullied, uh, for being Asian-American
And the biggest problem with that
Is that I am not Asian-American
But when I was younger, and this is absolutely true
People thought that I might be Asian-American
I have pretty thin eyes
I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid
And I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut
And from the ages of three to eight
People thought that I might be a young Chinese person
On the first day that he met me
The guy that is now my best friend
He met me the first day of kindergarten
He went home that night and said
"Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes"
And that was me
Kids would make fun of me in middle school
Kids would call me a "Chinaman"
Which of the racial slurs has gotta be the laziest
That is just pushing two words together
No work was done there
It was very confusing to me 'cause I'm not Chinese
No one in my family is remotely Asian
I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside
But that was more of a carpeting thing than anything else
Here's how bad it got, though
I remember when I was in junior high
We had this music appreciation class
That we never appreciated
And they took us to hear
Some classical music once at a symphony orchestra
So we go to a symphony orchestra
In one of these classical pieces
There's a moment where they bang a gong
And every time they banged the gong
All the kids sitting in front of me
Would stand up, turn to me, and bow like that
Which is some racist-ass bullshit
But also incredibly well-coordinated
For a group of thirteen-year-olds
Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world
They terrify me to this day
If I'm on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM
And I see a group of eighth graders on one side of the street
I will cross to the other side of the street
Because eighth graders will make fun of you
But in an accurate way
They will get to the thing that you don't like about you
They don't even need to look at you for long
They'll just be like "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!"
And I'm like, "No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!"
When I was a boy
I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone
Because before I went through puberty
I had a voice like a little flute!
I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video
Which is a very old-fashioned sentence
And, it is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video
That's like when your gram would be like
"We'd all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!"
And you're like
"No one knows what you're talking about, you idiot!"
You know how you talk to your grandma?
So, I was on the phone with Blockbuster
I'd called them a couple of times in one day
To ask about a movie, and I called for a third time
I said, "Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see
If you had Addams Family Values yet"
And the guy at Blockbuster went, "Hey lady!
I'll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!"
But look, I wasn't offended
As a boy being confused with a lady
I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around
By this chauvinist asshole that works at Blockbuster Video
Talking to me like I'm some floozy
I am a proud Asian-American woman
And you will treat me with respect!
I am a tiger mom!