I had a bad day today
I covered up my mirror
Cos I was fixated on my figure
I'm trying hard to change
I'm in my twenties I know better
I am brave and I am clever but
I
I
I am haunted
By the TV
I
I
I try to love me
But hate consumes me
I know what my friends will say
That I am beautiful whatever
They're probably right
But I don't feel very put together
And I know I'll be ok
Oh this is a temporary feeling
And we are always healing but
I
I
I am haunted by the newsfeed
I
I
I try to love me
But it's not easy
My biggest fear is of being fat
There's something very wrong with that
Cause I could be a murderer if I so wished
Which is a hell of a lot scarier than forty inch hips
When I was a little girl
I thought the worst thing in this world
That a girl could be
Is Fat
I watched Bridget Jones Diary on the TV
And I couldn't help but think
I don't want that to be me
And then this idea crept in
I will spend my whole life striving to be thin
And so the years went by
And I would eat
And then not eat
And then eat again and cry
And think that a boy would never love me
Because of the size of my thighs
Which is stupid as fuck
This is a nasty feeling that I did not teach myself to feel
I did not bloom from my mother so that I could live a life of guilt
So I had this thought
And you'll think that I'm mad
But I thought maybe if just stop fixating on this
I won't be so fucking sad
Maybe I could accept myself as I am
What a radical move
Hey maybe there's more to life than thinking about food
And maybe I could take back the control
Forget about even numbers on a clothes tag
And odd ones on a scale
What if I stop waiting to live
What if I just threw out my old jeans and bought new ones that fit
So that's where I'm at
And I'm nowhere near the finish line
But I've stopped crying in the fitting room
In fact the fitting room is fine
Turns out the mirror is just glass
And I don't need to care
Cause there are people that love me
And there is beauty everywhere
And I don't love myself
Cause it's not as simple as all that
But if I can just wake up in the morning
And accept that I am who I am
Then that would be a damn good place to start