I'll never be an emo vampire
Setting tweenaged loins on fire.
I've got nothing in common with the vampires of today.
They gaze at girls and pout and brood and then just run away.
This Twilight hack thinks she can come along and change the vampire rules.
I guess sleeping in coffins and wearing capes, suddenly isn't cool.
Girls won't climb up trees with me
Or canoodle in the grass.
And when I play vampire baseball
I always get picked last.
Oh come on! Seriously dudes
That's a human you just picked over me.
I've seduced all kinds of women from all over the world.
But, now the only dates I get
Are with chunky gothic girls.
When did all these vampires become abstinent and whiny?
When I walk into the sun, I don't get all bright and shiny.
Vampires don't have purity rings
Like undead Jonas Brothers.
If I can't score with these high school girls
Perhaps I'll go for their mothers.
Why not? When you're 600 years old,
There's no such thing as a cougar.
I'll never be an emo vampire
Setting tweenaged loins on fire.
I'll have no participation
In this vampire pussification.
So wake me up when the world grows a pair
Of fangs.
You thought I was going to say balls didn't you?