How dull it feels
Whatever ran me through my bones, lungs, and soul
You can try to warm a body and only get so far
At the bottom of a stand-in shower, with water raining down
Pretending to be far away
For a moment, I was offworld
On a journey not unlike our own
Bedtime prayers in otherworldly homes
I do not speak when I'm here, except to the visions
Always finding my comfort in sedation, feels better to be unaware
Yeah, don't we all just love it?
I swear to you, when I open my mouth
I can feel the poison getting in
I'm afraid I have to leave you behind now
You would know best that this world is not my home
And I realize that whole time, I was escaping from you
We all carried these burdens for so long
But it slips off my back with a thunderous roar
Why didn't we ask questions?
Because we were told we couldn't
"You keep that mouth shut"
At the age of three years it took ahold of me
And it held me for too long - I begged it to go free
Always idolizing novels of sacrifice
"I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you"
A physical and mental cross for a child
I can't carry you anymore
No more compulsions and repeated prayers
Deprived of sleep and agency
No more Devil's deep voice in the night
You want to view me as a statistic? That's fine
But I still cannot drink your water, or wine
Like they did in propaganda books that once filled my mind
I have crossed over the the other side
I felt most alone, laying limp your arms
Though you held me, it was YOUR weight that I bore
"Die to yourselves," we almost did
But that's a drop in the bucket to a fucked-up church kid
If these are my last words that I'm speaking
Will you take them? Will you keep them?
I've written many songs asking you why
But I never wrote you one to simply say goodbye
The words spill out like Judas' insides
When he kissed you, betrayed you, and then ran off to die
Superstar on the keys, sad, smothered, and "bought,"
Turned out as more of a side role than I thought
At the risk of congealing, I am splitting from Lot
I have no space for the gatekeeping that came with my cross
Dipped in a river, raging and deep
Begging for that Second Sleep
I held your words, they buried me
It is finished, I am free