My brain makes the earth dark
But I'm hung like a birthmark
I like to suck toes
Yours secrete fructose
I make paintings based
On grids just like Chuck Close
I'm old school like Aztecs
But new in other aspects
If you want sex with me
Be prepared for bad sex
And slapstick
Even ChapStick
Won't help my chapped dick
When I'm with a naked chick
I use a faker dick
A turkey baster laced with Elmer's
To make it stick
My ex fled to Reykjavik
We really were trying
Mmm, you're so wet
"My pussy's crying"
I need an eye exam
And a vagina with no diaphragm
Or condom
I'm pond scum
I'm going to buy a lamb
And when we make love
I'll envision titty humping
Which looks like a Venn diagram
Eww. This isn't dope
I feel like I'm pissing Scope
Lamby's a misanthrope
I asked her to stop moving
Does she listen? Nope
The sheep was a clone
So I was a creep on the phone
Now I'm sleeping alone
With her photo on my nightstand
In a sepia tone
The joy of your world is Paul Barman
Yes the joy of your world is Paul Barman
After this rap I'll be
In Napoli, happily
Proposing to my chosen
Under an apple tree
"Let's get married"
I don't walk, I get carried
By a motorcade
Of voter-age
Women on Rollerblades
In cute sleeveless shirts
Exposing their shoulder blades
But I'm a lonely guy
Since my honey-pie
Ran off with Ione Skye
Now I've got nothing whatsoever
Ugly-broke-arrogant
But so clever
When I write rhymes on brown bags
And in shower steam
Paul and I are the power team
We'll leave you deflowered
With a mouth full of sour cream
Gobble this obelisk
Now the joy of your world is Paul Barman
Yeah the joy of your world is Paul Barman
My
Close
Pals
Aunts
Uncles
Leaders
Nations
And
Towns
Hamlets
And
Neighboring
Islands
Everyone
Landlords
Bosses
And
Relatives
Moms
And
Newborns
Somehow when I act thirteen
I'm a gorgeous girl tractor beam
This one was dressed to kill
From her head to my testicle
She was from west of Phil-
Ly and spoke well of it
She said, "Just for the hell of it
Let's not be celibate."
I got all higgledy-piggledy
It's a big relief
When I take off my fig, uh, leaf
She said, "Dad, let's get at this"
But her cat and an unpotted cactus
Sat on her mattress
That sure made it saturated
With sharp thorns and cat piss
I put on a hip-hop beat
While she whipped off the top sheet
She said, "Come to bed
I like my undergrads underfed
They amaze how they stay up days
On mayonnaise and Wonder Bread."
I dove in her cervix a lot
Like Sir Mix-a-Lot
This interlude
Is for the women I've interviewed
About the clitoris
And how to make it less hit-or-miss
Should we be gentle?
Is it all mental?
I won't use a dental
Dam 'cause it discourages
My urges to submerge in her jizz
She said, "My goodness
You should just
Use clues that's nonverbal
You're too vigorous
If my clitoris,
For example, turns purple"
It was time to copulate
But we didn't want to populate
So my bold groin
Reached for my gold coin
Prophylactic
I unwrapped it
You can't know how I felt
It wasn't a gold coin condom
It was chocolate Hanukkah gelt
The white part crumbled on her tummy
And the rest began to melt
Foiled again