One, two, three Single guys, are lonely guys on Christmas No happy kids or shining Christmas tree There's no stockings hanging by my chimney There's no one to open up the Christmas gifts with me That don't mean that I don't have the spirit For jingle bells or lightly falling snow So when I wake up on Christmas morning I'll open up a Christmas gift from the sweetest guy I know And I'll give myself a merry Christmas handjob Sitting 'neath the Christmas tree alone I'll probably unfold December's playmate Or call up some old girlfriend on the phone I'll give myself a merry Christmas handjob No finer gift a fella could receive Then wearing nothing but a smile I'll stop and rest a while Then I'll do it all again on New Year's Eve