It's half 11 and your doorbell chimes
Yeah, I know I said I'd start at nine
But I had to grab a bap on the M25
Don't worry, love! Still gonna charge for the time!
'Cause I'm a jack of all tradesmen
And your place is craving renovation
Straight from the facias, down into your basement
'Fraid your radiators need replacements
Greatest decorator in an eighth mile radius
Don't check my ratings, swear they're outrageous
All their outrage is baseless — I'm blameless!
Only three of my extensions ever caved in
You got savings? Ooh, well, I hope you do!
'Cause it's an 'eck of a job that I'm quoting you
Look, I know that you only want a coat of blue
But, to be safe, I better run my dozer through
I could do it in a flash, in a jiffy, in a jot
But the trouble is, love, it's coming up one o'clock
So I'll have a spot of lunch, then a cuppa, then I'm off
And I'll come back tomorrow, see if anything's in stock
If I've got in the van, that's grand
If I haven't, then I gotta get the parts from Japan
They should be here in Jan, maybe June, in a year, maybe two
But I'll take the down payment now, see you soon!
I tell you, I have got five-star reviews
And, by that, I mean have five one-star reviews, which is basically the same thing
Don't think about it
Satisfaction guaranteed
Cash in hand and no receipts
Your dream home is my debris
How's about a cuppa tea?
I can see a little room for improvement
I can see a little room for improvement
Are you sure you want the glass translucent?
I can see a little room for improvement
I'm a one-man overhaul, sporting overalls
Though I don't recall the load-bearing walls
So I s'pose I ought to bulldoze 'em all
Eh, your home is sort of disposable!
I do wiring, grouting, I'll put your power shower in
That pipe ain't leakin', it's just a little fountain
Whaddya mean, "That's not what a power shower is"?
The spout's right here, where the plugs are mounted?
I'm the handyman with the plan
To retire via cheating cash from your gran
Do you really need to tile all my ceilings?
That's right, I'm afraid, that'll be ten grand
If your wall's too bland, I can lend a hand
Got a car full of samples to artfully fan
And most of the lead-free cans aren't banned
Though some colours are still carcinogens
We got eggshell, beige, ecru, sage
Hessian and sesame and peppermint rage
Indigo dingo, elephant plague
Hotdog embargo and lemon rampage
Baby blue, navy blue, gravy blue, maybe blue
Grape and rhubarbecue, caribou cabin crew
Third degree verdigris, turtle infirmary
Phlurple and curdle and terminal burgundy and—
Oh, white?
You'd prefer white?
Okay, whatever
White's fine too
I'm not hurt or anything
Just a bit emulsional
Satisfaction guaranteed
Cash in hand and no receipts
Your dream home is my debris
How's about a cuppa tea?
I can see a little room for improvement
I can see a little room for improvement
Yeah, the fixtures are nice, but the quote don't include 'em
I can see a little room for improvement
They say home is where the heart is and that's true enough, I guess
'Cause it seems like your garage is now in car-diac arrest
I've installed some extra arches, but your bathroom's somewhat less
I'm afraid to say your bath is firmly parked upon your desk
I'm a stone-cold filler, pro roach killer
I'm a fixture of fitting in a kitchen in your villa
But my teacup could use a little refill
And I don't suppose you got a biscuit, do ya?
I'm no clever boffin, but you know I'm never stoppin'
I can stick up a partition quicker than you'd slot a noggin
I'll be bodging 'til my spirit's level lying in a coffin
'Til then I got a new side gig in pressure washing
Satisfaction guaranteed
Cash in hand and no receipts
Your dream home is my debris
How's about a cuppa tea?
I can see a little room for improvement
I can see a little room for improvement
You clearly just don't appreciate the Brutalist movement
I can see a little room for improvement
I can see a little room for improvement
I can see a little room for improvement
Regulations? Nah, never use 'em!
I can see a little room for improvement