Good evening, do you know any good monsters?
Did you ever swerve your car at today's top speed of 35 miles an hour into an automobile?
Do you ever do the dishes for your wife? I should say not!
Mrs. Carter doesn't really mind washing her teflon-coated pans
New, vital and fashionable!
Fond of children? Well, it's only natural!
Yes, you can't get away from it
There are branches everywhere
And it's safe?
Yes, sir!
Deep down, down, between the trees
Nestled in the leaves, gleams a TV screen
Near a small lad sitting in the tall grass (hm)
It's an odd transmission to be broadcast!
Listen as we talk dark thoughts and soar past
The watershed line before your bedtime
You'll panic like a rabbit that is caught in headlights
Reckon we're manic? Of course, you're dead right!
You better exercise more caution next time
Or you'll end up in tomorrow morning's headlines
Obituary nothing more than, "born and then died"
And not a single family member or a friend cried (wow)
Tune into the madness (oh)
Tune into the madness once more
Tune into the madness (ah)
Tune into the madness, encore!
This remarkable offer, the first and only one of its kind
Delicious, nutritious breakfast cereal, shot from guns!
Yes, sir! You could buy eight additional teaspoons! (Ooh)
Oh, look who's come for tea!
Are you sitting comfortably? (Yeah!)
All of the children better sit still then
'Cause when little kiddies fidget, then I kill them
Class is now in session — time you learned your lesson
Stare into the glare until your mind is effervescent
Bubbling the troubling, you'll find it less depressing
Open up your eyes, you'll be surprised what you might let in
The violent and the tragic, hiding in the static
This silent, enigmatic child had better pack it in!
And leave the schedule to the grown-ups
Revel in the pestilence, Auntie Beeb throws up
As a result of the long, continuing research of commercial explosives
Pepsodent's new, improved formula cleans teeth, whiter than ever
Mmm, it certainly does
Tune into the madness
Pictures hand-picked to be sickening, queasy
Tune into the madness
Transfixed and bewitched by the flickering TV
No, hold up, don't touch that dial! (Ooh)
Look at our isle of muck and bile!
With a saviour clad in a paper bag
Ooh, that must be one ugly child!
Gaze into the space between the pixels on the screen (oh)
There you'll see a place between the signal and the screams (ha-ha-ha)
Feel the oscillation of the crystal in your dreams
Just switch off your brain and let it sizzle in the beams
These scenes some viewers may find disturbing
Violent and unnerving, frighteningly alluring
Slightly stomach-churning, why would you be turning over?
Oh, so many programmes for discerning
Viewers who are just like you!
Eyes locked to the box for the schlock like glue
Shambling in their droves, scrambling their lobes
Get mangled in the strobe 'til you're cross-eyed too (woo)
Here's a message to millions of people who are continually pale and washed out, weak and run-down
All I do is bring you pounds and pounds of baby food
Good lean butcher's steak — very satisfying cake
Impress this fact upon mother
Boys and girls have overactive oil glands
Don't say it like that!
You'll make her sound ungainly
Tune into the madness
Tubes swimming with miasmic blackness (ha)
Tune into the madness (wow)
Sit glued to your viewing apparatus
Izzy! Wizzy! Let's get busy! (Ah!)
Such a pity diddy kiddies threw a tizzy (oh)
Don't be silly! What's the trouble, Little Timmy?
Itty bitty nippers should be giddy for the TV! (Ooh)
Strange lights are disguised in the bright glare
Daytime television's hellish in the right mindset
Too much time staring will make your eyes square
Any more, you'll end up like that child there!
Can't toggle off the gogglebox, so pop another bottle top
Top up your cup and sup the propaganda, prost, mazel tov
They say it's challenging to break a daily habit
Pacified into paralysis: a state of telly-addicts
Maybe one day the cathode rays'll be chromatic
Bringing colour to the pallor of the faces of the static
Taking off the mask, my behaviour is erratic
Claiming to be sane, but I'm just asymptomatic
Wait, did you hear that? Someone's pacing in the attic!
What in the blazes could be making such a racket?
Ooh, I say, you gave me a fright there!
I think I'm having another little nightmare!
Tune into the madness
Urchins channel surfing and subservient to the sadness
Zoom in with the cameras
Squirming as the sermon's stirred into your hippocampus
Cream, not a soap, not a liquid
But a dainty cream
It covers everything easily and beautifully
And what an eyeful they're going to get!
Feast your eyes, 'til you're anaesthetised
Lead a peaceful life for the cheapest price
No need to seek advice, or plea to Jesus Christ
In the deep of night, you'll really see the light
No one observes just how ominous the world is when monotonous
Channelling the brightest minds until they turn witless and ponderous
Their alertness is interred in this infernalest sarcophagus
The absurd and preposterous burned in by the phosphorus
Uncertain what lurks under the surface of your consciousness?
Observe it and you'll learn that it's perturbing, sick and monstrous
Keep surfing through diversions, Uma Thurman's new detergent
Normal service will return after a word from our sponsors!
Ladies, what's your problem?
Gracious, I've nothing for the Johnsons yet!
Keep calm, folks!
Buy the gifts that will look more expensive than they are
Two hundred different formulations of dynamite, so powerful that it'll kill a rat
Press this secret button right here and an authentic western pistol pops out and fires! (Ha-ha-ha!)
Tune into the madness (Yes!)
A bountiful lineup of schooling and comedy (Woo!)
Huge wins at the BAFTAs
Bound to be prizes when you're every nominee
Tune into the madness (oh)
Tune into the madness once more
Tune into the madness (eugh)
Tune into the madness, encore!
No guest is ever really happy without the right kind of tea
Well, don't keep staring at it! Taste it!
Getting high on life could be habit forming
You just can't grow up fast enough, can you?