Welcome to the theatre To the magic To the fun Where painted trees and flowers grow And laughter rings fortissimo And treachery's sweetly done Now you've entered the asylum This profession unique Actors are children Playing hide-and-ego-seek So, welcome, Miss Eve Harrington To this business we call show You're on your way to wealth and fame Unsheath your claws Enjoy the game You'll be a bitch But they'll know your name From New York To Kokomo Welcome to the theatre My dear, you'll love it so Welcome to the dirty concrete hallways Welcome to the friendly roaches, too Welcome to the pinches from the stagehands It's the only quiet thing they do Welcome to the Philadelphia critics Welcome, Librium and Nebutal Welcome to a life of laryngitis Welcome to dark toilets in the hall Welcome to the flop You thought would run for years Welcome to the world Of fears and cheers and tears Welcome to the theatre With some luck, you'll be a pro You'll work and slave and scratch and bite You'll learn to kill with sheer delight You'll only come alive at night When you're in a show Welcome to the theatre You fool! You'll love it so