Remember the little ditties that we used to sing together when I was a child (oh, yes)
Here's a new one (oh)
Some little piggies go to market
Some little piggies stay at home
Some little piggies eat roast beef (roast beef)
While other little piggies have none
But there's a little piggy that I'm telling you about
It's a secret little piggy
Don't let anyone find out
There's a pig in the house
In the house here with us
There's a pig in the house
But we don't want any fuss
With a pig in the house
Best we keep it to ourselves
It's important you remember in case anybody delves
There's no pig (but I thought)
In the house (you said)
If you think about it thus
There's no pig in the house
If it's anyone but us
There's no pig in the house
There's just Gilbert, Joyce, and you
But when no one else is looking
There's a little piggy too
Pig!
No pig!
Pig!
No pig!
You think I've gone loopy-loo
Pig!
No pig!
Pig!
No pig!
I know what you're trying to do
Fill my head with nonsense
Then say I've gone berserk
Lock me in the nut-house
Well that's never gonna work!
There's no way you are shutting me inside a loony-bin
No, not by the hairs!
On my chinny chin chin
You wanna put me away, don't you?
No one wants to put you away
Well actually I wouldn't-
Gilbert!
Doctor Swaby put Mrs. Beavers away when she didn't know her times tables or who the PM was
This isn't like Mrs. Beavers, love
We're just trying to tell you
There's a pig so in case you see it you know you're not going bananas
(Oh, she is going bananas!)
I could eat a banana
There are no bananas!
There's a pig! (there's a pig)
In the house (in the house)
It is under our roof (in the attic?)
There's a pig (there's a pig)
In the house (in the house)
Take a sniff and there's your proof
There's a pig (there's a pig)
In the house (in the house)
That we must not give away
So if anyone should visit
It's important that you say
There's no pig (no pig!)
In the house (in the house)
'Case anyone complains
There's no pig (no pig!)
In the house (in the house)
It's a problem with the drains
There's no pig in the house
There's just Gilbert, Joyce, and you (there's just me and both of you)
But when no one else is looking
There's a little piggy too
There now, isn't that simple? (Yeah)
Now, let's suppose that nosey Mrs. Tilbrook was to come round again (oh)
What do we say? (Hm)
Pig!
No pig!
Pig!
No pig!
Can it do me any harm? (No, mother no)
Pig!
No pig!
Pig!
No pig!
Shouldn't it be on a farm?
Can't be that hygienic, there's diseases you can get
What's wrong with a budgie or a little furry pet?
It won't be stopping long so I've been promised by my spouse
So let's just pretend
There's no pig in our house
There's no pig in our house
There's no pig in our house
There, I believe we are all of one mind
Yeah, bonkers!
Now, show her the creature (oh)
There's no pig in the house
She's escaped from her sty!
There's no pig in the house!
Well they say that pigs might fly
She can't just escape
She'll be dirtying my floor
And of course with perfect timing
Now there's someone at the door
Who is it?
Oh, it's Veronica Allardyce
It's time for her lesson
Send her away
That might arouse suspicion
I'll see to Veronica
You see to that pig
Good morning Veronica!
There's a pig in this house
In this house here with us
There's a pig in this house
But we don't want any fuss
With a pig in this house
Best we keep it to ourselves
It's important you remember in case anybody delves
That's lovely mother
Our's is a very musical family
We sing all the time
Your house smells
Our house doesn't smell
My mother says poor people's houses smell
Your mother is a font of wisdom and compassion
But, my coat!
Best to leave it on
Poor people's houses are all so cold
Now, play (I can't find her)
Play!
Found the pig in the house
She's in there in the loo
Very good, here's a knife
Go and do what you must do
Da capo Veronica!
Next a forte, love
And we'll have ham
We'll have chops
We'll have tripe and so much more
And again with perfect timing
Someone else is at the door
Oh, Gestapo!
Gestapo, Minister of Meat!
What's he doing here?
Pig!
No Pig!
Pig!
No Pig!
Is it Doctor Swaby come to take me away?
It's not you they'll be taking away!
Pig!
No Pig! (Oh, shut up!)
Pig!
No Pig!
It's no good mother, we have no choice but to answer it!
Mr. Wormold
I have an appointment
Please, come in!
This is my, err, wife and her mother
There's no pig in this house
If you think about it thus
There's no pig in this house
If it's anyone but us
There's no pig in this house
Just me and all of you
But when no one else is looking
(But there is somebody looking!)
But when no one else is looking
There's a little piggy too!
Oh that's lovely mother dear
Now, it's time for your nap
Veronica love
Where are you going?
The toilet
Oh! No!
Aaah! A pig!
Pig!
No pig!
Pig!
No pig!
They think I've gone loopy-loo
(There's a pig!)
Pig!
No pig!
Pig!
No pig!
I know what they're trying to do
A pig in the house
What an absurd notion
The very idea
That's enough practice for today dear (ow!)
And don't think I won't report this incident to your mother
As I'm sure she's already told you
Only poor people lie
Children! Oh!
They have such overactive imaginations!
I'm sorry about your foot Mr. Wormold
I promise I'll be more careful with the other one
Oh! No, that won't be necessary!
Magic fingers indeed!
There's a pig in the house
But it isn't going to stay!
There's a pig in the house
That you have to put away!
Pig!
No pig!
There's a pig in the house
There's a pig in the house
There's a pig in the house
Leaving chaos in it's way!
I thought by now you might have learned
I think that rotten smells returned
Because as far as I'm concerned
I've had as much as I can take!