To be honest
Except for the thrill of doing 'In the Heights'
It had been quite a while since performing had really felt like a passion
The focus on trying to pay my rent and pounding the pavement
Had totally extinguished the spark
That made me fall in love with being an actress in the first place
I wasn't that little girl anymore who'd sung her way out of pain
And used it to express who she really was
Instead, it felt like a skillset that could get me work
Except usually I didn't get the jobs
To tell you the truth, I kind of started to resent it
Like singing and acting had deceived me
Into spending my life chasing this dream that I could never have
After a few months, I was offered a lead in a new show
So, it's a week before opening night
We're in rehearsal and mid-sentence
I start to get this weird feeling in my mouth
I walk over to a mirror and I see for the first time
That the right side of my face isn't moving, at all
The doctor says I have Bell's Palsy
Basically that half my face was paralyzed
That sometimes function returns and sometimes it doesn't
That no one knew what caused it
And that there was no cure
I'd been thinking about quitting singing and acting
And suddenly, I couldn't do it
When I got home, I had to tape my eye closed to sleep
And hold my cheek to eat food
The doctor said that if my face was gonna stop being paralyzed
It would come back within the first two weeks
It had been over a month
My friends would try to cheer me up, but I shut them out
Because every time they tried to make me laugh
It would just remind me of the fact that I couldn't smile
So every night before I closed my eyes to go to bed
And before I opened them to wake up
I tried to smile
I tried so hard and it never worked
But sitting alone in the silence
After letting go of the idea of having a career
I remembered, I remembered the feeling
Of the first time I saw someone in the audience cry
Because I'd performed for them
I remembered the hundreds of little girls who came up to me after High School Musical
Their eyes so bright and thanked me for inspiring them to be brave
I remembered the friends I'd made all around the world
And how during 'In the Heights' people would come up to me
With fire in their eyes and thank me for reminding them
To be proud of their culture and their legacy
And as I fell asleep
Suddenly, so grateful for this gift that I'd been given
And for the beautiful life performing had given me
I remembered the music