I had a job interview at an insurance company once
And the lady said "where do you see yourself in five years?"
I said "celebrating the fifth year
Anniversary of you asking me this question"
I walked by a spy shop,
You know those places that sell surveillance equipment
Every time I walk by a spy shop I think
"I Need to put some surveillance on somebody"
Rick's been acting fishy
I need to buy a little camera
I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can
Or better yet a safe that looks like a Spray-n-Wash can
That would create better situations
"Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray-n-Wash?"
"Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents"
I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast 'cause I don't think I would
'Cause I figure you stay at a bed and
Breakfast by the end of the day you start to get hungry
Is that all you got around here?
Then you need to direct me to a chair, lunch, dinner
I'm gonna open up a chain of chair, lunch, dinners
Put 'em right across the street from the bed and breakfast
It's like come on over about one
But you need to leave at eleven
'Cause your not sleeping in the fucking chair
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes
You know what sweeten means right?
That's a showbiz term for 'add sugar to'
Anyway, I was in Ireland performing and uh-
(Woo-hoo)
That's right, that's why I left
'Cause fuckers go 'woo-hoo'
And I got sick of that shit
I can't take 'woo-hoo' anymore
And I'll be goddamned in they're not here too
But anyway, in Kilkenny,
Ireland they don't have anything American over there
It's very cool
But they did have a Subway sandwich shop,
That's was the one thing they had American
And the-that became the American embassy to me
I would go out to a bar
Piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me to the Subway
Said "dude, I'm sorry but you're out of your jurisdiction"
But you can have a cold cut combo though
Now this is the second part of my Subway two-part joke
I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck
I knew the duck was lost 'cause ducks ain't suppose to be downtown
There's nothin' for 'em there
So I went to the Subway sandwich shop
I said "let me have a bun"
But she wouldn't sell me just the bun
She said I "had to have something on it"
She told me "it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun"
I guess the two halves ain't suppose to touch
So I said "well alright put some lettuce on"
Which they did
They said "that'll be a dollar seventy-five"
I said "it's for a duck"
They said "alright, well then it's free"
See I did not know that
Ducks eat for free at Subway
Had I known that, I would've ordered a much larger sandwich
Let me have the steak fajita sub
Don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck
There are six ducks out there
And they all want Sun Chips
I find that ducks' opinion of me is very
Much influenced over whether or not I have bread
A duck loves bread, but he doesn't have the capability to buy a loaf
That's the biggest joke on the duck ever
Like if I worked at a convenience store and a duck came in
And grabbed a loaf of bread with his beak and walked out
I would let him go
I would say "come back tomorrow, bring your friends"
When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks right
But shit, he could have like a beaver in tow
'Cause if you're an animal you want to have a beaver as a friend
'Cause they have some kick-ass houses
That shit is on the lake
Lake-side my ass lake-on
Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge Farm bread
'Cause that shits fancy, it's wrapped twice
So, you open it and it still ain't open
That's why I don't buy it
I don't need another step between me and toast