I'm cocky and single and I got your genes tingling
Girl, with my costly signaling
Rockin' the rhythm and all you keep thinkin' about
Is the offspring we'll bring into the world
And you're awfully tempting, so you got my genes tingling
Too, with your costly signaling
You're cute, but you gotta be considerate
And have a sense of humour, or you will not be interesting
Charles Darwin saw natural selection as the most serious cause
Of evolution, but what was going on with bird songs
And peacocks? They follow mysterious laws
And then Darwin had a curious thought
It probably occurred to him while explaining his theory
To a young Victorian blond, whose face displayed
A mixture of desire and feverish awe
The immediate cause of which Darwin clearly saw
So he said: "My dear, descent with modification comes from
The struggle for survival and reproduction
Hence, the reason for some structures must be seduction"
In fact, Darwin's brain was probably one such structure
Just as peacocks' tails show off the genes of the top males
And likewise the songs of nightingales, the fighting skills
Of elephant seals, and minnows with colourful scales
These are all traits that sexual selection has shaped
Through the female preference to get with the fittest mates
But in human beings that selection goes both ways
Pretty much anything that's just for display
And isn't meant dissuade or chase predators away
Was probably selected for in a sexual way...
But wait, isn't this just such a display?
I mean, I really thought I had something to say
But, is it just a demonstration of my DNA?
And, so what if it is? Great, what's to explain?
Okay, maybe a couple of things
First, to say that something ornate
Like complex language, first evolved as a seductive display
Doesn't mean that people only use it just to get laid
Darwin leaves Freud in the dustbin, okay?
For instance, I could use a urine stream to put out a fire
But that doesn't mean the penis evolved as bush fire fighter
This is a theory of language function
A theory of where it comes from; what it's used for now
Is a separate discussion; so which was it?
Was language originally a mechanism for survival or reproduction?
Can you talk a predator out of attacking?
Can you talk a parasite out of infecting?
Can you talk a potential mate in to consenting?
Potentially, right? Hence, presenting
The grand unified theory of rhyme
The mating mind uses lyrical signs, combined with wit
And wordplay, conversation, humour and different narrative styles
To appraise the fitness of mates, both for the purpose of marriage ties
And for mates of the more temporary kind
These are the humble roots of the literary sublime
We're all just Shakespearean primates verbalizing our cherry behinds
But how could we test this theory of mine?
Ideally, we could use experimental holding zoos
Filled with human subjects, and with an overhead view
We could observe which breeding pairs reproduce
And how often they use their verbal ornaments to seduce
We could even separate them into control groups
To see whether male or female vocals
Are more prone to be used to stimulate hormones
Although, it's true that this sort of method isn't normally approved
If only there existed in a state of nature
Some cultural group preoccupied with makin' paper
And parading naked women shakin' their money makers
In front of competitive males displaying mating behaviour
While trading their creativity for sexual favours
If such a group existed, I predict it would be a major
Player in the entertainment industry, and would be in major
Danger of being overwhelmed by angry player haters
But I may have to save some of my research for later
And how do I answer the charge that I'm participating
In this mating dance myself with these dazzling bars?
That isn't hard – I plead guilty
I worked hard to achieve this ability
And if it also gives my genes visibility then so be it
But, I confess, it also reveals my unique disability
See, my tendency to tell these monkey fables
And funny medieval tales, generally fails
To attract any nubile young females
It does attract women a lot though
All highly-educated and post-menopausal!
I know, isn't it awful?
I get mobbed after my Chaucer shows
By grandmas thanking me for making it possible
For them to appreciate a hip-hop flow
And, you might ask, where are their granddaughters?
My guess is, they're at gangster rap concerts
But that's how sexual selection works
Any mutation gets tested first
And if it doesn't get spread, then it gets purged
So this experimental hip-hop mix
Where it gets crossed with literature and lectures
Will probably get the burial that it deserves
That is, unless you spread it like whispers
I'm cocky and single and I got your genes tingling
Girl, with my costly signaling
Rockin' the rhythm and all you keep thinkin' about
Is the offspring we'll bring into the world
And you're awfully tempting, so you got my genes tingling
Too, with your costly signaling
You're cute, but you gotta be considerate
And have a sense of humour, or you will not be interesting