Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out
The full cost of the wrongs I have done you
And I'm sending the money to you
For giving you hell
When I should have been treating you well
Reparation: 500 £5 notes in a roll
For remarks about your weight
For complaining when you were late
Compensation: £2000, the going rate
For the times we were out
And my eye kept roving about
Settling on younger women
Fifteen hundred, say it's forgiven
Running total: £6 350
With tax added on
And that's Just the end of one
For attacking your superstition
Your pantheistic new age religion
Say the sum of £1797
When I said your new dress wasn't splendid
When I told you the way the film ended
I know I was wrong: accept this token
And for passing the pictures I'd taken
Of your body totally naked
Around our friends
Let's call it a round £9 000
Running total: £24 063
On its way to you
And this is just the end of two
Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out
The real cost of the wrongs I have done you
And I'm sending the money to you
And for my next indiscretion
When we had sex on the floor of the kitchen
I sang it in a song -- accept 10 000 -- make that 11 000 pounds
And for failing to give enough time
To the baby that could have been mine
It's not that I don't care
My love it's just so hard to find a figure
Worst of all I stopped loving your body
Making you feel so low
Though my lawyer says no blame can be apportioned
For circumstances beyond my control
So now I'm all paid up
And absolved from this guilt
I'm going to get another girl in
Under my quilt
And run up
Another massive debt
Hail Mary, pray for me now
Now and at the hour of my death