Remember when you were 14
Your dad taught you to shave
That wasn't a very fatherly way
For him to behave
You had to watch your first beard
Melting down the drain
A beard abandoned
A son betrayed
Your Dad taught you how
And look at you now
'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
If your Dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
Remember how he watched
Your face lathered with cream
The mirror fogging over
As the bathroom filled with steam
He put the razor in your hand
And said now let's begin
Shave with short quick strokes my son
And head towards the chin, oh
Your Dad taught you how
And look at you now
'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
If your Dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
Oh, you've got two bearless mums, yeah
Cause I can't stand to see a child
Put through that much pain when he knows
That he'll never see his first beard again
And there is no greater crime against the human race
Than when a father takes a razor to his own son's face, oh yeah
Your dad taught you how
You're just like him now
'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard (dad doesn't have a beard)
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums (beardless Mums)
Oh if your Dad doesn't have a beard (dad doesn't have a beard)
You've got two stupid-looking beardless fucking Mums
'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
Two beardless Mums, yeah
Two beardless Mums, all right!
Two beardless Mums (you've got two beardless Mums)
Two beardless Mums, woo!
Two beardless Mums