As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list – I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs –
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs –
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that –
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist –
They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed!
He's got 'em on the list – he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed.
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist – I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed – they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who 'doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try';
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist –
I don't think she'd be missed – I'm sure she'd not be missed!
He's got her on they list – he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed – I'm sure she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The judicial humorist – I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life –
They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as – What d'ye call him – Thing'em-bob, and likewise – Never-mind,
And 'St – 'st – 'st – and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who –
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed!
You may put 'em on the list – you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed!