There's a girl there on the dancefloor
And I don't know how to greet her
Now heterosexuality's
Not my defining feature
They said skinny jeans and cardigans
Were the only way to go
But it seems that Oxfam employees
Are not the ones who know just how it works
Give me a minute
While I fiddle with my hair
Cause you keep telling me that it looks fine
But I'm the one who cares
About a good impression being made
Cause I'm the one who might get laid
Don't tell me how the game is played
Don't tell me how the game is played
And I don't want to talk to her and take her hand
In case she tells me her favourite band is not my favourite band
And how do I know which drink she'd want me to buy
When do I look her in the eye
When did the indie music scene become so over-fussed
With social inadequacy being such a must
Don't knock me to the ground
If I'm already falling
It'll only make things worse you know
I always knew my calling was the stage
This evening's filling me with rage
I only wish I had some sage advice to give me
The indie handbook volume three would read
Show girls you fancy them
By getting with their boyfriends
Replace your party loving mates
With awkward, greasy, coy friends
Who like listening to Sonic Youth
You always must appear aloof
Remember no amount of faking
Will make your indie band groundbreaking
Don't think you're special or much less of a disgrace
Just because you've got yourself a lady who plays bass
Don't bother finding somebody to play descant recorder
Yeah that's not gonna put you back in working order
You haven't got a different sound
You aren't part of the underground
You haven't been together long
So try to write some bloody decent songs
The girl's outside now
Talking to a taxi driver
If she were coming home with me
It'd only cost a fiver to my door
I'd talk to her but I am sure
She must've heard it all before from guys
Oh I could cry
That's probably the reason why
She's dressed just like a lesbian
I hear it's quite a craze
You can hardly move in pubs
For all the lesbians these days
But it hardly matters if she's gay
It's time to move on anyway
I'll see you guys here half past ten
Tomorrow evening, do it all again