2 AM, middle class suburban track, heavy eyelids, scratchy throat
I smell burnt metal through the base of the door frame
And hear muffled sounds through the walls of overly endorphin-ed misfortune
Click, clank, two spoons, why must I wake from a nightmare and arrive to another?
Lock door, head under covers, Momma, there's a monster living in my brothers bedroom
We didn't see him at first, but he was always there
Needing only to be fed once to rise from sleep
My pop-pop told me about it, remember?
Warning, a family tree with a half glass of whiskey or a pocketful of crazy
So pick your poison, sweetheart, he said, it will either be your mind or your body
Momma, theres a monster living in my brothers bedroom and I think he's here to stay
And what are we suppose to say when it looks so much like him?
He has us fooled every time before the eyes sockets sink in
And the fingernails blacken from giving Into temptation
But our eyes stay distracted by our hope, but my sight is readjusting
I'm tired of locking the door and hitting my knees to the floor to pray for a day
That quite frankly, is never gonna happen
I'm tired of convincing you that the monster has moved in and that he's sick again
But a stubborn gaze can never fall upon something it refuses to see, Momma
Your protection ceased somewhere along the way
You've saved lives your entire career, but why can't you save the one
You would give up your own for?
And in fifteen years, you never once turned the lock on the door
From the safety of this block
Yet the crime was already living inside
Irony, I'm a writer Momma, I know it when I see it
Momma, please, hear me
There is a monster living in my brothers bedroom, the smiling face in the gold frames
Is not the same soul staring back at you
Countless years of court trials, accusations of rape, domestic abuse
Overdoses, hospitalizations
Those things sure don't sure like him to anyone that knows him
But holding a gun to a man's head for the twelve dollars in his pocket didn't either
But Lord knows we tried to make the best of it
I remember the stories my pop-pop told us about our great-great grandfather back home
In Ireland who never came back from war
Last seen with a bottle in his hands, pressed to his lips, walking away
Maybe he's there, maybe his soul is somewhere with him because
Lord knows he is not in this house any longer
Momma, don't you remember?
This place was once, so, good
Filled with character and unconventionality
While the Best of Elvis' Christmas Hits crackled low in the background along
To warm conversation
But now our 1990's stereo lay untouched in the closet under rehabilitation catalogs
His basketball?
It sits in the corner of the garage, collecting dust
And I couldn't tell you his name, but when the devil came, he stayed
And I have seen him take a soul faster than he could say 'I think, I think may need help'
Faster than you could say full ride scholarship
Faster than you could speak any synonym
For the way the light has left his sea glass green eyes
That once sparkled when he made us all laugh
Let me know what you find because I, I still have no words for that
Tell me, have you ever seen a man die five times over?
Ten times over?
Thirty seven times over?
I have
Each failed attempt to get sober another hundred reasons to live inside the memories
Because didn't you know?
Didn't you know that even monsters count their casualties?
I am sorry for the honesty
But I have carried the broken hearts and body parts of my entire family
The famous sparkle in the eyes of my people has all but dimmed out
And a woman caught me crying in the bathroom at work and said honey
You have such a pretty Face, what else could you possible have to worry about?
And I know she meant it as a compliment, but it didn't feel like one because she said it As if Appearance were truth
As if the way I line my lips determines how much safety I'm able to speak of
As if the roses on the outside of a house make up for the carpets being blood-stained
And the doors being ripped off their frames
So tell me, what do you do when a home crumbles but the house still stands?
And these past nine years I have come to the conclusion that home is a pair of hands
Home is a heartbeat, home is alive
And what truly makes a home is not the color, size or price tag of the four walls
That surround you
But rather the company you keep within them
And Momma, how alive can I ever truly be
If I'm loving a room full of ghosts and calling them Family?
So I guess that means I am leaving, and I'll make my own
I'll fill the missing pieces of my soul back up with people
Who actually want to learn and grow
So I will take my sister with me when I go
There are still so many lessons of this life that
I cannot yet claim to know, but of this I am certain
I ate my cereal with a fork for the last time this morning
Went looking for a hairbrush and found a syringe for the final time this afternoon
And I will be damned if I lock my bedroom door again from the inside this evening
Because I cannot physically, mentally or emotionally withstand
Another day of walking outside in the morning wearing his NA chips as earrings
They all hurry to lock their doors, shuffle their kids into the car
Its like they see right through me
And I am labeled a child of grief before I even take a sip of my fucking coffee
And I will live like this No longer
And I know that I am strong enough to do this life alone
If I have to because I am my mothers daughter
I was born with freckles on my face and fire in my blood
And when was the last time you've seen
Fire feel ashamed of the suburb fireplace in which her
Embers were sparked from?
All they will see is how brightly she shines
When she burns this whole damn place to the ground
And on my worst days, when the pictures of my family that cover every inch of wall Space in my Apartment appear more headstone than memory
I'll steady my shaking hands, look myself in the mirror
And say to the reflection staring back at me
Be gentle with yourself girl, for this life, it didn't come with instructions
But it does come with Poetry
Momma, there was a monster living in my brothers bedroom, but
My address has changed now
My address has changed now
And I'll help you repaint