Hi, thank you for purchasing the audiobook of
"How to Ruin Your Life for Fun and Profit"
As read by the author, Neil Hilborn
So, you wanna be unhappy
You probably think you need to be in pain
To be an interesting person and artist, and you're right
People who care about you will tell you
You don't need to suffer to be important
But just remember
Musicians are always most popular the day after they die
So, are you ready to matter to someone?
Step one
Hate yourself
You are, presumably
A human being between the ages of alive and dead
So the chances are you're already there
Congratulations
Step two
Fall in love
People will tell you that this takes years
But we have a secret method
That will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week
The trick is, you must be completely unable to tell the difference
Between love and codependence
Step three
Fall in love with someone else at the same time
People will tell you that this is impossible
Given the love already inside you
But they don't know you
Your heart is limitless
Your heart is a well that goes all the way down
You can fit everyone in there
But remember to lie about it
Love can't exist with knowledge of other love
Step four
At this point
You may be doubting your decision to totally fuck up your life
So ask yourself
Would you rather be happy or interesting?
Would you rather be on the news or just watching it?
Happy people don't make history
Happy people make children, then die
Step five
Self-diagnose a mental disorder
That makes you aloof and impossible to contact
If someone accuses you of being a bad friend, lover, or child
Accuse them of being insensitive
Step six
All of the elements are in place
Now, start sabotaging your own life
Remember, this isn't crazy, this is research
This is material
This is necessary for your personal growth
Step seven
You've been in love with two people for a while now
Tell them about each other
Whichever one stays is the winner
Eight
Call your boss a fascist chipmunk-fucker
Tell your friends fun lies about your other friends
Tell your mother she was the reason you tried to kill yourself
Remember, it's just not depression without total isolation
Nine
Do something to hurt yourself
It may be a bicycle accident
It may be credit card debt
It may be a razor
Literal or not, make yourself bleed
Step ten
Create something
Paint your scars on the side of a building
Write a poem and shout it at strangers
The misery circus is parading into town
And you are holding the banner
Miles of people are following you
They are all wearing grey
A rainbow of grey
They are all watching as they kick themselves bloody on their own feet
You have scars
And everyone wants to kiss them
This is stigmata pornography
This is inspiration
You are why they are still alive
You are morning in a world of midnights
You are so brave
And they want to be brave just like you
Look at what you have built
Everything you loved is gone
Tell yourself it was worth it