They say 2020 is hindsight
And if the lens' dirty then certainly there's a blindside
And if you're not ready for change then that just might
Take plenty plenty of pain to get your mind right
Apparently I'm that type
Year begins with magic but apparently I'm not hype
'Cause I hate the pressure that comes with the spotlight
Plus I don't like too much pepe in my jollof rice
Sunday night, Brooklyn Heights, 55 Clark St
Middle of winter, got them boots around my cold feet
Straight A's and self doubt, exhaustion had me beat
'Til I graduated and returned to the African heat
They say all good things end
And I pretend that I'm ok with how my time is spent
And I descend into a pre-existential whirlwind
And so my boyfriend tells me that he wanna be just friends
That slap different like black parents
Man you finna switch up and act different like wack friends
No need to pitch up a plaque
Or reference back to how we dreamt about a future as black parents,
That's passed tense?
Now I'm presently just tense
I brood & brood man I'm Hitchcock with the suspense
Adopt a mood or default to my pretence
And deny that I'm affected and invest in something more intense
So I let my pride get to me
In this concrete jungle I forget the bare necessities
First a nibble, then a bite, clean right off the hand the that feeds
Forget my worries and my strife, cook the perfect recipe
For disaster, let my flesh get the best of me
Insomnia remastered, lost a couple Kgs
Can someone tell my pastor, and my church community
These online meetings are messing with my accountability
Cause in my turmoil, I turn to burn oil
Past midnight, I'm buried in work and embroiled
In late nights, entangled this bro is not loyal
The burnout and panic attacks from plans foiled
Quarter life crisis
Couldn't handle pain so I turned to my vices
Losing life to gain worldly things, dear Christ this
Variety Game is not worth the price list
Last year was a war for my life - Nicolo Machiavelli
Not by my power or might cause that's not steady
I had to hang tight cause that's life and it's heavy heavy
On the road to recovery
Let the Spirit lead, let my mama's prayers cover me
Everywhere I be, people talking major key
But this a push to start, #JesusAndTherapy