It was a while ago but
I used to make origami
I used to fold washi paper into cranes for a hobby
I formed their bodies with perfect angles and dog-eared corners
Making everything from bengal tigresses to pale border collies
Where you could pull their tails
To make them flap their wings
Or pinch their necks
To make them roar with their complex anatomies
But that came crashing down tragically when
Well what happened is
Or was, a horrible freak paper cut accident
So I tried out something different and practiced martial arts a bit
Transformed my legs and arms to armaments
An armistice I forged between my mind and body
Karate chopping thick slabs of marble to marbles and
Blocked a kick with nothing but thinking the thought of
"I will block this kick"
I fought and fought again, I'd always win
Until one day I fought the wrong sensei
And somehow lost to him
And then I figured I could use a new hobby fast
When I woke in the ICU, mummified inside a full body cast
So I tried out woodworking, and learned a thing or two
About building birdhouses
And a sanctuary for the endangered with the zoo
And without nails or glue I built perfect-fit architecture
With versatile sandalwood
That even termites wouldn't dare to chew
But the steel Industry is a different beast
Their countless inner rings
Of arsonists don't like and fear anything built with trees
So I got into magic with simple tricks
Or, illusions like how to make a yacht disappear
Without sinking it
I put live rounds inside a real gun
For every bullet I'd catch
And I sawed a lower limb
Double amputee woman in half
But when your transported man has to trap
Some clones in tanks to drown
They'll take you out
Pulled at the drop of a hat with a vanished act, but still
I'm safe and sound!
But, rules are rules so I was gone fishin'
Threw a net and accidentally caught a dolphin pod in it
Got some FOMO, rowed from coast to coast
And caught the Loch ness Monster without my rod
And then caught the Ogopogo with it
I studied mutated fish in ponds near Chernobyl
With evidence of kraken tentacles
Adorning on our boat's hull
We stumbled on a whaling operation
So we thwarted them
But let's just say my fishing boat'll
Never be seaborne again
So I got into miming
"..."
Then I tried out a comedy class to practice my - timing
I'd showcase new material
At sold out shows on the weekend
Then I auditioned for SNL and they let me host for a season
I popped up on the screen opposite promising
Hollywood starlets with Oscar noms
In romcoms with a record box office streak
But my private pilot had the last laugh
When I cracked a joke and split his sides
And we were forced to crash land
So I took the plunge and tried out diving
Took a stab at fencing
Gave clay pigeon hunts a shot
And then I tried to tackle wrestling
Tried the chef thing
But I let Gordon Ramsay ingest some foreign bodies
So I've been thinking 'bout getting back into origami