I wrote songs to make me feel better
I bought some new shoes with the real leather
Took my family on vacation it was chill weather
But to this pain I'm still tethered
It's after the last chapter of my air quote career
I wrestled a disaster of my insecure fears
Methods didn't matter
Evidence was clear
Misdirected and impacted
By the things I held dear
I didn't want to write about it
Cus I didn't want to be right about it
I didn't want it to be real life pride denounced it
How can I fight
When my arrow took flight just to strike me down it's
Hard wrestling with this
Identity business
Am I a narcissistic
Gas lighting, self addicted
Emotional abuser who afflicts his
Inner circle until they're balled up and twisted
Implodes like a super nova
Gravity wins again when I lose composure
Moving over bruises show up
Can't explain how hard this season is
Question everything that I've been believing in
Having to ask myself am I monster?
Am I an imposter
Outer shell but the inner try to cross ya
Hard to believe my kids when say they love me
My inner voice whispers lies even when they hug me
But I refuse to be that
That's why I had to call my friend ask em' where he could meet at
I Looked em in the eyes it took him by surprise
And said tell me to keep surviving I don't want to die
I don't want to die today
I should stay alive
Maybe I should stay alive
Oh maybe I stay alive
Every event this summer felt like I could crumble
Feeling in my stomach doubled with a load of trouble
Holy Sprit would you move me out the way
My vision can't sustain when I'm blinded by the pain
I remember during worship service couldn't sing the verses
There was so much under the surface
So I was on my way out
I'd been feeling weighed down
My friend grab my shoulder like he had something to say now
He looked right in my eyes and said He is for you
He said it three times Dillon He is for you
It's like the moment was immortal
It's like I heard God say, I didn't ignore you
I wish there was a life hack or a quick fix
But I know that He is in the healing business
Because in August fam I promise man
I almost lost my dad
And in my music you don't get to
Hear bout what we have
You've only heard the trauma and transgressions from my childhood
Let me set the record straight me and my father good
I'm 35 but I still need my father
You know how many times he's said he's proud of me I promise
I couldn't count it, I receive it often
And my kids smile every time they see my father
He fixes something at my house
Like once a week I wanna
Say I really l-o-v-e my father
And it almost took his death for me
To reflect and refresh
Life is too short to live like loved ones owe a debt
I don't expect anyone to love me the way Jesus does
And His mercy has a current that's beneath the flood
I don't want to die today
I should stay alive
Maybe I should stay alive
Oh maybe I stay alive
I don't want to die today
I should stay alive
Maybe I should stay alive
Oh maybe I stay alive